多重人格

我什么都不想说。

现在的生活。

我只能说我暂时的失语了。

我那该死的毛病还是没有改，无论做什么事情，感觉对了，就去做。

从来不经过大脑。

我觉得我是丧失信仰了。但是没办法和任何人说。

也许我是一个“二手货”的人类，还等待着有人能给我一条路，如果有人愿意给，我一定照做。

但是，不是什么人我都会相信。

我还不打算在这个时候做任何决定。

其实，我一直都希望自己轻松的活着。生活嘛，TAKE IT EASY。

该严肃的时候才严肃，其实我也是这样。

但是，我也尝到了不严肃的后果。虽然我依然秉承着这种生活态度继续生活。

我其实很想脆弱的说一句，我真的不知道我想做什么。

但是我不能表现出来，因为其实一切没有那么遭。

我只是暂时不知道我的信仰是什么。并且我拒绝随意的信仰。因为一直都是一个活得过于清醒的人。

你知道我不知道你知道我知道。我当然知道。

但是，也许我不知道。

我现在无法用理性和我看到的东西去判断眼前发生的任何一件事情。

这个世界只会让我越来越怀疑。

但是还好，我的本能是相信的。至少我愿意去相信那些我愿意相信的事物。

不记得谁说过：如果你愿意去相信身边的人对你的感情是真实的，那么那些感情就是真实的。

混乱鸟。

哇哈哈哈哈！让生活来得更猛烈点吧！

我在这等着！我是要改变世界的那个人！

翻看。曾经的习惯在每句很短的话后面添加一个句号。

马上又要一点，不知道还要经历多少个这样这夜晚，但是今天晚上不一样。好像找到了遗失很久得东西。

我一直都是向前跑从来不愿意回头的人，但每一次的成长都是从曾经得到的，不算回忆，只是苏醒。

我果然还是不适合这种生活。享乐、有人陪伴、被人纵容。

我会变坏。然后变成另一个人。

从小我就是个被娇惯的小孩，所以任性、不去理解别人。

从来都习惯从自己的想法去理解这个世界。

但是我一直试图变好，我希望自己是另一个样子。

明天要面试，后天资格审核，大后天面试，大大后天完毕。

我好像早已经习惯了这样的表述，似乎很久没有想过为什么要这样说或者这样做。

和陌生人说话，总是隐藏了一些东西，生怕触碰到别人敏感的部分。

姐，你希望我活的简单明快，但是现在的生活已经不是我能控制。

因为年轻，做了很多无法挽回的事情。所以为了长大，我要去面对。

想一想自己已经21岁，却到了这个时间不知道如何成为一个自立的人。

你曾经说过我的生活环境太封闭，担心我。我也意识到这些东西。

前些天和导师谈话，表现的紧张生硬，我觉得我已经失去自信很长一段时间了。

因为我太久没有思考过这个问题，也许你知道为什么我不快乐。

沉溺于生活。宛如宿醉一场。

昏昏沉沉。

一段时间离我喜欢去接触陌生的环境、陌生的人群。我觉得好自由。

那些时刻，我觉得我是快乐而没有负担的。

到现在，在这个环境下，我不知道自己可以因为什么快乐。

我不能被束缚，我一直想脱离这个环境。我想去新的地方，接触新的人。

前些天去了招聘会，投简历的时候小心翼翼。

一方面是我根本不知道我希望自己从事什么，这个问题你说只有做了之后才知道。

所以我想给自己机会，在我的能力范围之内，尝试着去做做看。

其实这些年，我知道自己缺乏的是勇气。面对外面世界的勇气。

不知道为什么牵绊。所以每段时间我都需要被肯定才能走下去。

你说任何社会性，都是虚妄的，我不要，不比别人少什么。

但是我就是不停地在追寻着些虚妄的东西。

因为我需要被肯定。

每次犹豫不安，都会想给你打电话，听你随便说点什么。

从小到大。每次遇到问题，你的语言总能让我马上释怀，其他任何人都不行。

但是自从你回洛阳，咱们多久没联系了。

也许因为你结婚了，但是我从来没觉得你变成别人家的人，你每次回家来住我都很高兴。

从小就想，长大了总要分开的吧。现在我们都长大了，也真的联系少了。

有次在KTV唱姐你睡了么，结果就我一个人唱的泪流满面，其他人却没有任何感觉。

他们不会知道这是一种什么感觉。

人长大了，世界就变得这么复杂，而我从小就讨厌复杂的事情。

我一直以来都在逼迫自己从自己的世界里走出去，去面对一些事情，去独立的解决一些事情。

所以我的高中选择了那里，而大学选择了这里。

所以当我现在又沉溺与这里的生活的时候，我变得不知所措。

我想可能是我想离开了，我知道这是好的想法。

我已经成年，我希望我可以凭自己的能力去养活自己并且让家里减少负担。

这一次是我逼迫自己进入这个浑浊的成人世界。不想长大是不可能的。

所以我要出发了。

多久没来了？北京又是一个寒冬，总是这么冷。最近急于表达。

前几天晚上自习回来在学校的长椅上坐着，点了根烟，听者THE MUSIC OF TURIST，风吹得我浑身发抖，音乐声音总是那么贴心，觉得有人在你身边，你不用说, 只要听就好了。

路上的人少多了。北京的冬天，寂静的没有人情味。
所以我说我迟早要离开这座城市。这个学期，好像比以往任何一个都要忙碌。
算了算，又要结束了。我是带着巨大的热忱开始这一学期的，我写得满满的计划，背负的沉重的压力。
前几天，姐姐和老妈打电话。说不要这么大压力，要放松。
后来想了很多。只是了解了压力大也无济于事的事实，但是依然没办法放松下来。
我总是这么忧心忡忡。用了半个学期把自己从高傲的位置上拖了下来，说服自己只有谦虚沉稳才是成熟。
我还是没明白。我最怕承认自己的平庸，所以我用尽方法让自己锋芒毕露，其实我就是个孩子嘛。
总是那么希望被肯定，总是骄傲的看着别人。我想要得太多了，是不是该给自己一个切实的梦想？
从以前我就羡慕那些可以一意孤行的“天才”。他们对一件事物的狂热和专注是我没有的，我太浮躁了。
我只有在整理自己的时候才不觉得我在浪费时间，可以更好的往下走。
不再给自己机会下坠了。也不再给自己不切合实际的压力了。
我真的不想承认。不过我还是收敛起来了。

沉寂多年的我又一次出没了，并且开始写这篇日志。这次我是真的想说点什么，真的是因为找不到可以说话的人，所以才到这里写。

没有灵感。这是我每次都会感到极度痛苦的时刻。其实时没有自信造成的，没有自信来自得不到肯定。很快就会垮掉。

真是致命的状况，身边到处都是琐事，但是有需要我去很漂亮的完成，我不希望自己差，每一件事最好都能完美的完成~~

太强人所难了…………我是什么东西a，凭什么这么要求自己，换着不同的歌，想要找点什么东西出来，但是我还只是一个收集者呢

不愿意承认，也只是这样。

想起来还是很搞笑，不是内容搞笑，我当时还是很认真地在思考的，但是自己快烂掉的英语，还夹杂着中文，看起来是挺能自我取悦的。以后要多加练习，我可是个要区别于大部分人的人啊。

Sanji is dead…… 说:
老师的夜战能力也很强啊
Sanji is dead…… 说:
哈哈
WANGYONGJIE 说:
who are you?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
学校的查分系统坏了，我还没看英语成绩呢，也不知道考成什么样
Sanji is dead…… 说:
你学生
Sanji is dead…… 说:
your student
Sanji is dead…… 说:
......我用英语说话很多语法错误
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what's your name?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
这个无所谓了，总之是你学生就对了
Sanji is dead…… 说:
你上学期代我们班
Sanji is dead…… 说:
总算很高兴得看到有老师用msn
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i often use it most of the time every day
Sanji is dead…… 说:
me too
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what do you often do online?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
find picture,write blog,down ...写不成了，太费脑子。。。let me see...do all the things ..mabe ,
Sanji is dead…… 说:
didn't you use chinese when you talk to others online?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
not often
WANGYONGJIE 说:
because it's slow
Sanji is dead…… 说:
a  but it to me is fast
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i only use chinese with people who don't know english
Sanji is dead…… 说:
a   that is me
Sanji is dead…… 说:
haha
WANGYONGJIE 说:
if you practice often, you'll find english faster
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i know ,but now i use chinese can show my thought quickly...
Sanji is dead…… 说:
 ...崩溃了。。
WANGYONGJIE 说:
you need practice,that's all. forget about any mistakes you may make.nobody cares
Sanji is dead…… 说:
ok.. then i will practice to you 以后。。。
WANGYONGJIE 说:
you can improve your english a lot and very quickly by chatting online,and it's free!,why not do it.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
why do you have "sanji is dead" as your name? what does it mean?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i always feel film and english song can help me for my english. online ,yes ,it can too
WANGYONGJIE 说:
movies and songs can help only a little, never depend on those things. This is truth,has been proved by many. I have never seen anyone who can improve english by doing those
Sanji is dead…… 说:
because ,i like a person named:L. in the comic ...then his dead .when he dead.the computer shows : L is dead. i just like the it. so so....mabe..
Sanji is dead…… 说:
a ,yes ,it just a part of the study
WANGYONGJIE 说:
why do you like "L."?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
en .he is a 侦探，and very like a Gorillaz,,,monkey,so lovely,,many thing . the comic named: 

Sanji is dead…… 说:
deathnote
Sanji is dead…… 说:
很有思想，推荐看看
Sanji is dead…… 发送:
 

Sanji is dead…… 说:
this is L
 
  传输“2.jpg”完成。
 
Sanji is dead…… 说:
are you busy??
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i'm writing things
WANGYONGJIE 说:
a book about how to study english
WANGYONGJIE 说:
and a project of selling audiobooks for children
Sanji is dead…… 说:
o ,en ,i'm write a book too,write a 小说。when i leave my college,i'll finish it ,it will be my 作品 ,then i can use it to find a good job ,of caues,others comic and picture can help me too.
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i study 动画///
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what kind of story you are writing?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i'm writing a story too, but about english learning
Sanji is dead…… 说:
my life ,my memery,write myself.and some dream in my childhood
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what's the theme of the story? or what do you mainly want to tell others?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
what is the "theme" mean?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
theme means the main point, the main idea
Sanji is dead…… 说:
my mather come to look at me just now,haha
Sanji is dead…… 说:
en
WANGYONGJIE 说:
tell your mom,you're doing the greatest thing in your life: writing
Sanji is dead…… 说:
it show what i grow up, my thougts chang, i belive it will have some reader,their though are same to my ,but not many ,because i'm a 奇怪 person. so i always want to know what i will be in furture. i'm interenst to myself .so now ,i'm doing many things ,i'll be a famers people.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
why do you want to be a famous person?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
and what do you want to do in the future?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
these two questions are very basic and most important for your writing
Sanji is dead…… 说:
because ones just have once life,when people dead,all the things is gone.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
" i'm a 奇怪 person", how strange you are?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
这些用英语表达太困难了////
WANGYONGJIE 说:
I think even after people die, they leave things behind: their children and spirit and what they write and say and most important what they have done to other people
WANGYONGJIE 说:
so if you can have a deep understanding of death, you will make your story more interesting and thought provoking
WANGYONGJIE 说:
death simply means the end of your body life,not your spirit life
Sanji is dead…… 说:
but herself is gone ,to herself ,all the things is no meaning.what you said is just to others
WANGYONGJIE 说:
when you're alive, what does mean to others?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
only when you're of some use when you're alive,it means something to you
WANGYONGJIE 说:
if you think you can do nothing good for others when you're alive, you will kill yourself because you think you're useless and meaningless
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what is meaning? writers often express their life philosophy by writing.so if a writer can understand the basic questions of human beings, he will make his writing more meaningful and last long.Thus the writing will become a bestseller
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i alway think others just others,your perents ,you 朋友，and some others,just others, life is the things to myself.others can life togeter whit you ,can 分享 you thouth with you ,but it is different,
WANGYONGJIE 说:
the first question you should ask yourself is what is my mission in this world?  The answer to this question will determine what person you are and what you do
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i don't want have bestseller,i just want to say some thing ,to write some thing ,because i'm young,that it
WANGYONGJIE 说:
what is life? it's another hard question.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
life can be divided into different parts: your body life, your mental life,spiritual life
WANGYONGJIE 说:
and afterlife
WANGYONGJIE 说:
if you don't want your book to be a bestseller, it means 1)you don't have the courage or confidence in your writing or 2) you don't like most people to read or share it
WANGYONGJIE 说:
you're just writing for yourself
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i remeber you said a word: "if you want have all the things in the world,give others what they want,"i understudent is :if you help others ,you can make yourself have a better life, just for youself,so you do that,
Sanji is dead…… 说:
all the things you do in the life ,just for yourself,not others. you do things ,you help others ,you give other love ,just prove :you want have help,you want mank yourself happy,have a good 人际关系，so you can go on your life better,just for yourself.the things is 辩证的。
Sanji is dead…… 说:
or 双赢的，兼得的
WANGYONGJIE 说:
if the real purpose is for yourself,the best way to do it is to help others.This truth is again and again proved,and is proved again here in China by many people and enterprises
Sanji is dead…… 说:
enterprises。。？
WANGYONGJIE 说:
company
WANGYONGJIE 说:
if you can read what I write with any problem, you can pass cet 6
WANGYONGJIE 说:
with no problem
WANGYONGJIE 说:
double win or win win
Sanji is dead…… 说:
let me see ,you mean up you said?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
t
WANGYONGJIE 说:
y
Sanji is dead…… 说:
费解。。。
Sanji is dead…… 说:
头晕。。。
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i will pass cet 6 in [big 3] of cause..
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i hope so
Sanji is dead…… 说:
now i'm read many many books,i study very hard, i now do the things is prove what i see, make them wide. i see many film ,comic, learn the histy of art,sleep less. and i want to say a point to you teacth. you always tell us "how to learn english",but you know   not many students do it ,so it was no means.you can change you way of teach,some students do it ,they can prove their english,but others 
Sanji is dead…… 说:
can't, as a teather, what you do is make all the student student well,not some student
WANGYONGJIE 说:
it's not my job to make people learn. they learn themselves. they may not learn for now for many reasons. Nobody can make people learn anything. This is recognzied by famouse people and is proved
WANGYONGJIE 说:
Reading many books is no guanrantte for one's improvement.
Sanji is dead…… 说:
guanrantte?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
two things i learn from reading. 1) read the books which are the most important to your improvement  2) do it, or live it
WANGYONGJIE 说:
guanrantte means promise
WANGYONGJIE 说:
or sure of
WANGYONGJIE 说:
some students learn not because of my teaching, but because they want to learn
Sanji is dead…… 说:
or you make others want to learn
Sanji is dead…… 说:
because you are the teacher
WANGYONGJIE 说:
you can not force people to learn things. by force people may "learn " sth,but soon they will forget
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i often feel hopeless because i can't persuade many to learn,just a few
Sanji is dead…… 说:
you can fand some thing to影响their
WANGYONGJIE 说:
that's why i want to write a book or maybe some books to convince as many students as possible to start learning not only english but learning how to be successful
WANGYONGJIE 说:
they are the two sides of the same coin
Sanji is dead…… 说:
en ,are you successful?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
not yet,but on the way
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i have realized all the things on this road,and i'm just walking toward it
Sanji is dead…… 说:
are you like you job?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
i don't like this job in this college,but i like teaching
WANGYONGJIE 说:
teaching means selling your ideas to others
Sanji is dead…… 说:
what is successful?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
why you what selling your ideas to others?
WANGYONGJIE 说:
success includes many things.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
by selling, I mean you have to use your mind and it's difficult
Sanji is dead…… 说:
i'm sorry i bother your writetime
WANGYONGJIE 说:
No bother. I like to talk with you and hear your thinking
WANGYONGJIE 说:
do you have a plan for your writing? when to finish?
Sanji is dead…… 说:
when i leave my college ,i want to write down a part of my life befor i become a workwoman, when i have a job. i have a plan of cause. i know plan is important, i read a 文章，named:think of the ten years later of yourself. ten years ,a person will be what? just think of it ,it was 可怕的。 the time is so fast, ten years later, i'm 28,in that time ,i must be a half of succeed ,then the time is not 
Sanji is dead…… 说:
enough
Sanji is dead…… 说:
and now, what can i do? time is not enough, so i'm so worried, and learn many things use as less as the time.
WANGYONGJIE 说:
 choose the most important and most urgent things to do
Sanji is dead…… 说:
en ,i am do this things right now
WANGYONGJIE 说:
make a list of things you have to do now and choose No.1 most important
WANGYONGJIE 说:
and No.1 most important book to read
Sanji is dead…… 说:
yes ,when you teath me,you ask us todo this ,and in that time ,i finished it ,a good plan ,until the time of ten years later......
Sanji is dead…… 说:
ok ,i will go to sleep, i'm so tired. aaa.....sorry and thank you to listen to my .i'll bother you next time  
Sanji is dead…… 说:
fating...you will be a good teacther and good writer. good night!
WANGYONGJIE 说:
 8

最后看到我的英语老师仓皇逃走，[WANGYONGJIE 说:
 8]  那时心里一定想着：他妈的，终于要睡了，烦都烦死了。赶快干自己的事。不过那时已经是3：30分了，bother别人的感觉还不错啊，哈哈。纪念一下，以后看到了引以为戒，为自己这时有这么烂的英语水平而耻辱。

Fating! pass  cet6!

踏了一滩混水。

生活始终无精打采，总是强硬的把自己拉出来，然后又不自觉地走进去。

我失恋了，好了，就当我失恋了吧。

刚发现自己是个电脑盲。windows 中的 internet 选项被我篡改后，就再也没有正常的看过网页。只能改变字体颜色，让他们看起来不那么刺眼。

为什么要踏这一滩混水。

好了，好了，不要再说了。生活是次机会，仅仅一次。

我当然知道怎么生活才能使生活看起来不那么坏。

所以我要去做了，我又不是傻子。

好了，我承认了，这样或者那样生活比较舒服。

 

 

北京这几天的天空像童话！

最近总是看这样的电影，就好像男女的爱情不再能感动我了一样。

其实影片结束时我是没有哭的，只是觉得胸口一阵阵发闷。

总是这样，也许这样子就算是被感动了吧。

现在有时会怀念一下清澈美好的东西，我前几天刚刚十八了。

才感觉到好像自己失去情绪很久了，每一天，过得都很缺失。

所以才来看电影。看看别人是怎么生活的。

但他没有给我很好的答案，但，至少，让我找回一些遗失的情绪。

或者说关于爱情的一些态度。

真的，如果你爱一个人只是为了爱她，而不是别的什么。

总是有些不甘心。电影总归是电影。人们觉得生活上有缺失，就写出文字拍出电影

来弥补这种缺失。而，这却是更加残缺的故事。

人的生命是很残忍的，而更为残忍的是，我们无法主宰它的结束。

死了就是死了，活在心里这种事根本不会存在。

就是触摸不到了。。

曾经那些清澈的日子。

人还是要长大，变老，遗忘，然后失去。